There are many opinions on figuring out women. I speak Polish and English but the language I am most fluent in, is Mariange. I’m not implying I understand all women; however I have been able to successfully decipher what Mariange says versus what she actually means.
How Did you Sleep?
Abort. Abort. This is a trap. She already knows how I slept, because chances are she was up 6 times with the baby and at one point I probably did something grating in my sleep, like breathing…This question is always loaded. She doesn’t actually care if I’m well rested because she is not. She is asking this only to point out how many times she had to wake up and how many times I failed to notice this…while unconscious.
I saw this thing on Pinterest…
I looked up who invented Pinterest and I’m sort of shocked it was a couple guys. From what I gather about Pinterest, women go on, look at a bunch of insanely expensive ideas and then try to recreate them. My issue with Pinterest was the day Mariange came across a room with barn beam ceilings that we JUST HAD to have in our master bedroom. When I tried to explain that a barn beam of the size she was requesting would be both astronomical in price and weigh about 150 pounds she shrugged and suggested I think of another way to make it happen…I found another way but truth be told, last night when she uttered “I don’t think we should buy fabric softener anymore, I found a recipe on Pinterest to make our own” I couldn’t resist reminding her that she was not, in fact Walter White and she couldn’t resist telling me to shut up.
The word THEME
Theme means two very different things. As a noun theme means the subject of a talk, a piece of writing, a person's thoughts, or an exhibition. As a verb it causes me to have borderline PTSD. Mariange doesn’t do anything half. You know the adage “Nothing is black or white?” well, for her, it is. Mariange doesn’t have a neutral. She either HATES something or she LOVES something. Period. With everything. Keeping that in mind, she LOVES planning parties and THEMES. This is how things with us normally go:
M- “What are your thoughts for Will’s first birthday?”
P – “I don’t know something small, with family?”
M – “Yeah, that could work; I saw this great thing on Pinterest about a circus THEME”
(You know in Kill Bill, every time the bride sees one of her enemies and that intense music plays foreshadowing carnage?
That was happening to me at this moment).
P- “Um that sounds interesting but let’s try to keep it low-key, it’s not like he’s going to remember”
M- “Oh absolutely, low key!”
In case you were wondering how “low key” the party was, I’ve attached photos below for your enjoyment…
If you can’t figure out what those photos are: Fresh popped popcorn, loot bags, prizes with corresponding ticket amounts, games to win these prizes, a hot dog cart I crafted out of Styrofoam, a fondant cake homemade by Mariange because Pinterest told her she could wake up and know how to bake (she was demonically rolling out fondant and swearing like a trucker at 2am the night before the party).
The last (and most important photo), the “PINTEREST” head table where the cake lives. Complete with homemade caramel AND candy apples (do you know how hard it is to scrub candy and caramel off the bottom of a pot?), cotton candy (which melted within 30 minutes of being made), a candy buffet and MOST IMPORTANTLY an overtired one year old who gave precisely ZERO shits about any of this
(he’s screaming as we try to cut the cake).
What do you want for dinner tonight?
This is an easy one. What is actually means: I haven’t cooked, I am not cooking and I already have a place in mind but because I don’t want it to seem like I haven’t premeditated all of this I will make you name 10 places and then causally submit my suggestion which if you don’t agree with will make me sad…and hangry!
Did I tell you about what (husband) did for (wife)?
Someone took someone on vacation or did something romantic. It’s delivered in a way that might suggest it’s just sharing of information through light conversation. The undertone is clear. They did this. You did not.
I saw the cutest thing today…(insert story about Dad alone with children, no Mom in sight)
This is another example of the above but in regard to the children. You see, if Mariange were to ask me to stay with the boys so she could go to a spa day or something equivalent I wouldn’t care. However, she won’t do that, because to her that’s being selfish. If I volunteer to take the boys somewhere for a few hours, that’s not her asking so it’s a totally different wheelhouse. Why don’t I just do this then? Two reasons- First, I will not be a pawn in this game of tomfoolery. Second, Evan is obsessed to a terrifying degree with Mariange and after about an hour, he realizes she’s not around and goes nuts. No thanks.
You HAVE to see the deal they have at (insert store)
What this means – I already have items in an online shopping cart, I just need you to get onboard with how great the savings are before I put in the credit card details.
I found really cute (shoes/purse/coat), I don’t know though, doesn’t it seem expensive?
What this means- I have already decided I’m going to buy this but it’s not something I need, so I need you to pay for it so I don’t feel guilty. I already know almost everything about shoes/purses/coats so I know what is and isn’t expensive and when I say, doesn’t it seem expensive I’m hoping you notice that it’s on sale and are so blown away at the savings you see we have no choice but to buy it.
I was asked to write something and I know Mariange frequently mentions that she is not an expert on parenting so she shouldn’t be writing about it. I for one am an expert on Mariange, so I feel this article fully demonstrates my knowledge.