Mariange can't drive...


I realize this is a dangerous statement to make on a public forum, especially about the person who drives my children around; but she was not meant to drive.  

I have no doubt after reading the following you will agree. 

While I fully support “Dusty Stilettos” and proofread all of the articles before they become public (and if you’re shocked with some of the things Mariange says, you don’t even want to know what I remove) my only concern is it leaves us pretty vulnerable to a psychopath who could find us if they wanted to.  

When I brought this concern to Mariange, I was lovingly told to “calm my tits” and reminded “we’re not Beyoncé and Jay-Z, no one cares” so keeping that rationale in mind…I present my proof. 

Mariange has been rear ended FIVE times... 

You might be quick to point out that under a court of law, you’re always the victim if you’re rear-ended, and you’re right, however…allow me to be a total douche for a minute and quote my other article: 

“Mariange sees everything as a black or white. She either HATES something or she LOVES something. Period” – this outlook is also applicable to her driving.  

There’s a song she was singing recently while we were in the car by Lupe Fiasco called “Kick, Push” – the chorus is “Kick, push, coassssst”  when I asked her if she knew what coast meant as she slammed her brakes at a red light; she threatened to get out the car at the light so I could drive.   

She goes from GAS to BRAKE.  Her foot is never not on a pedal.  So while being rear-ended is not her fault, her heavy foot likely doesn’t help the situation.  To be clear, she has never been hurt so don’t take my attitude as an indication I don’t take these accidents seriously. The nature of these accidents are all pretty suspect so I will begin with the first time she was hit.  

There is an amber light on Mississauga road in front of U of T.  On her way to school she was driving her Mom’s GMC Jimmy and was hit by a cube van going about 60km/h.   That car was written off. 

At a red light, she was hit by a pick-up going about 50 km/h.  She was driving her Nitro and his licence plate actually stamped into her bumper because of the force.  She was going to forgo insurance on that one, and let the guy pay for the repair but once she got the estimates to him he replied with,  “calm down sweetie, it’s a fender-bender, I’ll give you $200 bucks to go away” so you can imagine how that played out. 

At a red light on her way to work (again, in the Nitro) a woman was turned around tending to her 2 year old and plowed into her, again at about 60km/h.  The lady tried to explain that she was a Mom and her kid was distracting her.  

Unfortunately for the other driver, this was before we had kids where Mariange could frequently be heard to utter such things as “I don’t understand why people with kids make such a big deal about being a parent.  Like, relax everyone does it.  You’re not special” so that was a $2000 repair that ladies insurance covered.   

She was also (sort of) rear ended by an obese gentlemen who was so eager to order at McDonalds he bumped her trying to get to the drive-thru speaker and actually put his hand up to quiet her when she got out of the car so he could finish ordering. 

My personal favourite was on her way home from the bar with her friend following in the car behind her at 2am.  There was no one on the road except 3 police cruisers going in the opposite direction.  At the yield sign she came to a complete stop which caused her friend to slam into her.  

Helpful tip about cars:  if you can, buy a Jeep.  Mariange’s Mom Cherokee took the full-impact in the skeleton of the car and her friend’s car was totalled.  Both of them were OK but as punishment Mariange’s parents made her wait before repairing the car.  The pain of this was the rear doors were jammed in the slightly open position which meant she had to drive around in the dead of winter with snow in the backseat. 

Mariange has hit a parked car... 

If that wasn’t bad enough she hit the parked car while driving my car (and cracked my headlight) and the car she hit belonged to one of her employees.  She scraped the driver side as she has a tendency to swing into parking lots without lifting off the accelerator…or until she hits the curb. 

Mariange backed into a car... 

This was wasn’t technically her fault but as she was backing up, it technically was.  We were pulling out of a spot at Wal-mart and we felt a bang.  There was no one behind her.  We got out of the car to check what happened and her entire bumper was coated in white.  We heard yelling across the parking lot and saw a guy waving with a black strip down the side of his car.  We figured out while she was 50% out of the spot this jerk decided to try and speed past, behind her while she was in motion.  While technically he lost the game of chicken the real loser was Mariange as her insurance had to cover the paint job on his car.  

Mariange has no concept of brake maintenance...

Before me, she was driving the Tempest on a busy road with some friends.  She attempted to brake and her foot went right to the ground without engaging the brakes.  Luckily her quit-witted friend pulled the emergency brake without any calamity.  

Once her Dad showed up and took the car to the mechanic they realized her brake pads were gone.  As in entirely missing.  When the mechanic asked if she’d heard the brakes squeaking, she explained she did notice it however as the sound was annoying she just turned up the radio loud enough so she wouldn’t have to hear it. 

The argument can be made here that she was young so she didn’t know any better and hadn’t had the opportunity to change her ways and learn from this possible disaster, except… In the time I have gone through 2 sets of brake pads, Mariange has gone through SIX.  

The mechanic commented to me the last time that he has NEVER seen any person go through brake pads at the speed she does.  She does however, wearingly inform me whenever she starts to hear squeaking, so I’ll give her that.

Mariange buys stupid cars... 

When I met Mariange she was driving a Volkswagen Cabrio.  She told me she always wanted a convertible so she loved it.  The car was so loud on the highway you couldn’t hear the person sitting next to you.  The roof also had a leak so she would have to drive with a towel in her lap in case it rained.  

While I supported her love of the car I insisted she get winter tires.  I will never forget returning to the tire shop and seeing the mechanic swinging her keys around his finger, smirking.  He explained that when they raised the car on the lift the tires flopped down.  The strut towers were completely rotted and only being hed together by gravity and the weight of the car, which means if she hit a big enough pothole the car could actually detach from the tires.   If you’re not well-versed in cars, that meant she had to buy a new car.  

Once we got rid of the death-trap Cabrio we later received a strongly worded voicemail from the dealership.  It seems, once they ran the VIN and attempted to ready her Cabrio for re-sale they discovered the car had been written-off in the states and was not actually legally road safe to drive and shouldn’t have been sold to her in the first place. 

After reviewing my proof, I hope you can understand why I cringe each time I get in the car with Mariange.  She is a wonderful person but she is a terrible driver.  I know some of these were not her fault but no one person should have this shitty of a track record when they have been driving such a short time.   

To be candid, there is very little in the world as scary and when she has to take my car.  I think she might enjoy my pain as she intentionally evilly grins at me each time I hand her the keys and goes, “vroom vroom, hereeee hemi hemi hemi!!!”  

So, when she whizzes past you on the highway going 40km/h over the speed limit,  please call the cops and put me out of my misery!